Falling
by aldysgal aka Tiffany
Summary: Carter and Abby have a talk. This is only my second ER fic and I'm looking for a beta if anyone is interested ::looks pleadingly: PLease R


Title: Falling

Author: Aldysgal

Email: Aldysgal@yahoo.com

Rated: PG13

Keywords: Carter/Abby romance

Category:  romance/drama/angst

Spoilers: Everything up until now eppy 18 of season 9

Time line: post Finders Keepers

Summery:  Carter and Abby get somethings out in the open.

Disclaimer: We all know that Abby Lockhart and John Carter do not belong to me, and I am pretty sure we know who does own them. I just got bored with all the repeats and decided to borrow them for a while. When I am finished with them I'll return them promise J.

Authors Note: I got bored with the repeats and to soothe my over active imagination I decided to write this little fic. You were all so great with my first fic and I just wanted to say thanks. This is just fic number two hope it works well too

The cool spring breeze danced across the water as the sun began it's decent painting the sky with whirling shades of red and orange. Abby sat quietly watching as the last remnants of winter melted into the crystal water below. Her mind floated back to days past when Carter so often had occupied the seat next to her. They had had many relationship altering conversations right in that very spot, and a piece of her ached now for those times; when the complications of their lives could be almost forgotten in each other's company. Such days were long since forgotten now.

As the wind grew colder, Abby pulled her coat tighter around her, snuggling her face deeper into the collar. She knew she should go, that night was falling quickly upon her bringing with it the cold. But she couldn't move, no matter how many times she told herself to go she remained planted to that very spot. Biting down on her bottom lip, she began to study the world around her. Couples scurried by, their hands linked in unity. Boats trudged past in the water below constantly fighting against the current. The sun had nearly disappeared into the water, leaving only a brilliant orange tip to signify that it had existed at all. 

As she watched she almost laughed at the irony of it all, and couldn't help but to think how strange it was that everyday things could reflect your life if you studied them long enough. Every couple reminded her of Carter. The constant and steadfast pattern of the boats battling the current seemed to represent the battles she fought everyday. Like the setting sun disappearing into the water, she felt like she was being swallowed whole.

The wind grew stronger slicing through her coat and chilling her to the bone, a constant reminder that Carter's arms were not there to warm her. Allowing her head to fall back, she closed her eyes fighting the sting of tears that seemed to appear whenever she thought of him. It had been days since their fight, days since he had held her in his arms on the street corner and a part of her wondered if that was the last time he ever would. She had meant it when she had told him she didn't blame him. She knew she was a disappointment to him, how could she not be? She was not only an alcoholic; she was the only sane member of her growingly disturbed family. She wasn't good enough; she had never been good enough. Carter deserved better, Carter deserved everything.

He was too good for her; he had always been too good for her. He was kind and sweet, a rich man who wanted to be poor. He was a man who gave everything of himself and asked for nothing. But even a saint has his limits and she was sure that she had pushed Carter to his. No, she didn't blame him for leaving, she understood if it'd been her she wouldn't have stayed as long as he did.

Opening her tear filled eyes she studied the sky, wondering when things had gotten so off track, so helplessly complicated. Darkness had crept in while she wasn't looking painting the sky midnight blue, and for a moment she lost herself in the vastness. She could feel the yearning burn growing in the pit of her belly, that aching need to lose herself in his deep chocolate eyes just once more.

"You know you shouldn't be out here alone?" Carter's familiar voice called from behind like an answer to her unspoken prayer.

She turned slowly to look at him both anxious and terrified. Immediately her eyes began searching until they were suitably lost within the confines of his.

"What are you still doing here? I thought your shift ended at six." Carter prodded further, coming to sit beside her.

Abby swallowed the lump in her throat and bit her lip again. "How's the little girl in Trauma 2?" She asked evading his question, but still unable to break her eyes away from his.

"Multiple internal injuries, Corday took her up to surgery. She should have been wearing a seatbelt." Carter answered allowing her the distance she seemed to need. 

"Yeah. So … Susan say anything else about the new husband?" She asked wanting him to stay just a bit longer.

"Wow that sounds strange Susan's husband." Carter said finally breaking their stare as he turned his eyes to the water. "The whole thing is crazy. I mean she got drunk and ran off and married a perfect stranger, what was she thinking?"

Abby shifted in her seat uncomfortably. "Maybe it'll work."

Carter finally looked up into her eyes. "You really believe that?" He asked surprised.

"I don't know. Maybe." She released a heavy sigh and glanced towards the ground. "He seems nice."

"Yeah I guess." He sat watching the water quietly before continuing," So are you going to tell me why your sitting out here in the freezing cold two hours after your shift ended?" Carter asked finally.

"I'm contemplating my life." She said softly, still focusing on the ground at her feet.

"Ah so you're being out here alone is all philosophical?"  Carter smiled.

"Something like that." Abby said releasing a sigh as she studied the water again.

"And what was your conclusion?"

"Maybe I should jump." Abby laughed nervously, stealing a glance in his direction.

His face immediately fell with her comment and she wished instantly that she could take it back. She hated that looming look of disappointment that would ultimately befall his eyes. She was sadomasochistic, but she couldn't help it. She had learned it early on as a coping mechanism, and it remained in place like a crutch holding her up.

"That was a joke, Carter." She affirmed, looking away from him.

Carter shook his head and turned his attention back to the water, leaving a heavy uncomfortable silence lingering in the air. "Why?" he finally asked in a voice that could barely be heard.

"Why, what?" She asked resuming her nervous habit of chewing on her bottom lip.

"Why would you say that?"

"Dark Cloud Abby strikes again. Come on Carter what did you want me to say? What? That I have found a way to fix me? That in the two hours that I 've been sitting out here freezing my ass off I found some greater meaning to my screwed up life? Is that what you wanted me to say?"

"I just wanted you to be honest. I just … I just can't …" He stammered as the rose to his feet and began to walk away.

"CARTER wait. Carter." She yelled after him, getting to her feet as well.

Carter watched the ground knowing that if he turned around he would stop. Just one look in those big brown eyes and all his resolve would be lost. He needed to walk away, he told himself. He needed more than she was willing to give and more than anything he needed her to love him. But every attempt he had made to find out if she did was blown out of the water, so helplessly he had made up his mind to just walk away. In the end it would be better for both of them.

"Carter wait." Abby pleaded grasping his arm and turning him to look at her. "Can't we talk about this?"

"What is there to say? I mean your never going be happy with me right? I mean it's been almost a year and it's pretty obvious that I don't make you happy. I don't give you what you need. So tell me what is left to say?" Carter bit out as tears of frustration brewed in his eyes. "We go round and round in circles chasing our tails but we never get anywhere. Don't you get it? I love you. I want to be with you. But I just can't keep waiting around for you to need ME. I can't stay with you and watch you throw your life away anymore. I love you too much to sit by and watch you destroy yourself."

Abby just stared at him, letting his arm fall back to his side. "Okay I get it, go ahead and go. I don't want you to have to waste anymore of your time." She replied the hurt in her voice undisguisable.

"God where did you get that?  Out of everything I said all you got was that your wasting my time?" Carter asked stunned, tossing his hands up in defeat. "I tell you that I love you, that I want to be with you, and that watching you destroy yourself is killing me. And all you got was that you're wasting my time?"

"What do you want me to say?" She said almost pleading.

"If you don't know, I can't tell you." He answered looking at her as that same unbearable

silence befell them again. After a few moments he closed his eyes, his heart aching, and lifted his arms in defeat. "I guess there's nothing TO say, is there?"

Abby's eyes swam around unable to look at him, unable to stand the pain that radiated from his every pore. Her head was reeling. '_Tell him that you love him too. Tell him that you can't breath when's he's not next to you. Tell him that you're sorry, that you're scared, that you need him more than anything. Tell him everything. Tell him anything just get him to stay.'_ Her heart pleaded over and over again.

Before she knew what was happening he was leaving, walking away from her, from them. Her heart jumped into her throat, her whole body began to shake as the waves of panic washed over her with each step he took. Her mouth fell open as if waiting to be told what to say. Her eyes burned with unshed tears as her breathing became labored. Finally gasping for air she called out to him, "Carter please don't go. Please. I need you." She was stunned by the urgency in her own voice.

Carter froze unable to move, unable to turn around and look at her. Was it possible? Had her heard her right? She needed him? Suddenly he felt hands on his arm spinning him around. His eyes immediately locked onto hers and it was there he found conformation, for that same urgency was there embedded in her eyes.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I don't want to lose you. It's just…It's just that …I" She stammered unsure what to say. She wasn't good at asking for help much less pouring out her heart and soul.

A single, renegade tear slid down Carter's cheek as he reached over and brushed his fingertips against her lips to silence her. "Shhh," He whispered, "I don't want to lose you either."

Moving into his arms, she wrapped her arms around his waist clinging to him for dear life, afraid that if she let go it would all be over, bringing her world crashing down around her. She inhaled deeply allowing the intoxicating aroma of his cologne to engulf her as she buried her head into his chest. It was then that her eyes could no longer hold her tears at bay and they came crashing in warm rivers down her frozen cheeks.

Carter could feel her shoulders begin to heave and her body begin to tremble in his arms. Nuzzling his head into her hair, he closed his eyes and whispered, "I'm sorry too. I don't want to hurt you Abby. God I never want to hurt you. It's just so complicated and sometimes I feel like that's all I do. I miss you so much. I just want to be with you. I meant it when I said that I want this to stick. It's just that … I can't do it alone."

Resting her forehead on his chest, she stared at the ground, her hands sitting on his hips. "You shouldn't have to deal with this, with me." She whispered back.

"For once would you let ME decided what I HAVE to deal with, what I WANT to deal with." Carter bit out the frustration rushing back in. "For once in your life Abby I just want you to stop being afraid."

"I'm not afraid." She lied as her defensives went back up and she pulled herself from his arms.

"The hell your not." Carter growled back.

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?"

"Abby you have been running scared ever since the day I met you. Tell me that's not true. I just thought …  I just hoped that you wouldn't want to run from me. I want this to work but it never will, not as long as you keep hiding from me, from us." He said quietly taking a step towards her.

Abby looked out over the water not sure what to say. Carter was right she was hiding she had always been in hiding. But how could she risk being hurt? How could she trust that he wouldn't be like every other person in her life, and leave her? After a moment and a few deep breaths she replied, "I'm not the only whose hiding Carter. And I'm not the only one whose running, you seem to be a pro at that yourself."

"So I'm the one whose running away?' Carter asked shocked by her words.

"You're the one who keeps walking away." She bit out, fear and hurt mingling with her words.

"You started pushing me away long before I left on my own." Carter growled, turning to look at the water.

Abby just stared at him; again he was right she had been pushing him away. The silence over them was unbearable as they stood side by side, untouching, both studying the water. She had come to hate moments like these: when everything seemed so hopeless. Reaching deep within her, she somehow found the courage to speak.

"You're right." She whispered softly.

"About what?" Carter responded still searching the water.

"About …. About everything. I have been pushing you away. I have been hiding and running. But …." Abby stammered finally turning to look at him.

"But?" Carter asked shifting so he could face her as well.

"But I don't want to hide anymore. I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes Carter but I am trying. I quit smoking and I've been talking to my sponsor and…"

"But don't you see Abby, None of that means anything if you're doing it for the wrong reasons. I want you to do it for you, not for me, not for us, for you."

"I am doing it for me. I told you I woke up sick of myself. I want to quite smoking, Hell I've been wearing this damn patch for over a week."

"And I think that's great. I just wish…" Carter began hesitantly

"Wish what?" Abby asked reaching over and touching his arm.

"Why didn't you tell me about all this? I mean why didn't I know about the patch and the sponsor?"

"I don't know Carter. Maybe because I wanted to be sure I could do it first. I always seem to disappoint you and I didn't want to tell you and then no be able to do it. I didn't want to disappoint you. Plus I didn't want the pressure that comes with anyone else knowing. Because I needed it to be for me and I needed to be sure that it was FOR ME." Abby explained turning back to look at the water. "I was going to tell you. I just wanted to be sure why I was doing it."

"And now you know why?" Carter asked, searching her eyes with is own.

"Yeah I guess I do." Abby said pulling her coat tighter around her. "God it's freezing out here."

Carter took a step timidly forward, his eyes still spellbound by hers. Lifting his hands, he placed one on each of her arms and began to attempt to rub the warmth back into her. "You're shivering." He pointed out with a half smile.

"No shit Sherlock, I told you I'm freezing." Abby teased sarcastically, her body immediately responding to his touch.

"It's late anyway, you should really head home before you catch pneumonia." Carter said a tinge of sadness in his voice.

"Carter?" She said quietly, locked in his gaze.

"What?"

"Want to go get some coffee or something?" She asked, her eyes hopefully pleading with his.

"Do I get pie too?"

"You can have whatever you want?" She smiled.

"Whatever I want?" Carter questioned a smile spreading across is face.

"Yep whatever you want." She said reaching her hands up slowly to encircle his shoulders.

"That could get you in trouble you know?" Carter teased leaning down until his lips were lingering just inches from hers.

"I live for trouble." She said breathlessly, feeling the current of electricity pass between them at his closeness.

Carter smiled before brushing his lips delicately against hers in a tender sweet kiss, which she immediately melted into. Slowly breaking their kiss, He rested his forehead against hers not wanting to break the connection with her completely. "Coffee and Pie it is. For now anyway." He whispered with a sheepish smile.

"Carter?" Abby began carefully, chewing on her bottom lip again.

"Yeah."

"Are we …." She took a deep breath and stared at their touching bodies before beginning again, "Are we okay? Because I really want us to be okay."

"I think we're getting there." Carter answered honestly, lifting her chin with his hand until their eyes met once more. "But we've got to stop hiding from each other."

"Okay no more hiding." She said confidently.

"Promise?" Carter asked.

"Promise." She said moving her hands to cup his face and pulling his lips down upon hers once more. Pulling back she smiled a big sheepish smile. "Apple or cherry?"

"Oh Cherry definitely cherry." He smiled back, "And I want ice cream too."

"Only you would want ice cream when it's twenty degrees outside." She teased.

"So you've really been wearing the patch that long?" He questioned holding out a hand to her.

"Yep." She smiled triumphantly, slipping her hand into his as they headed towards Doc Magoos.

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Okay so if you want me to continue you have to send feedback. If I don't get any then I'll assume you don't want anymore and I'll retreat back into my hole.


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